How you can help

Bonding & Attachment.

These two words are perhaps the most important words in adoptive families, aside from love, mommy and daddy.

One may think that these two words are one and the same- but they are different. A bond is something that two people might share in common, like going through an expereince together- such as camping, having shared interests, simmilar background etc. It involves an action, activity or behavior that promotes mutual conectedness. You can have a bond with a co-worker, friend, spouse, child, even your pets.

Attachment is a special emotional relationship involving mutuality, comfort, safety and pleasure for both individuals- it begins with bonds, and hopefully grows into attachment. Attachment is a two way street. Zachary is bonding to us, and we are bonding to Zachary. Over time we hope he will attach to us, and we will attach to him. Certain activities and games, even daily rituals will help us do that.

If you are reading this and are a person we interact with in our daily life and activites at church, work, home etc, you can help us build the bonds of attachment in some important ways.

1) Help us to show Zachary that we are his parents, that we can be trusted, that we love him, and will protect him. You can do that by understanding that Jason and I will be the only ones to hold, feed, diaper, care for and give affection to him until he understands that we are his parents. This is a critical understanding. If he doesn't ever learn this, he may never learn to trust us, or later in life, trust others appropriately. While in the baby home in Russia, Zachary would go to anyone and everyone for affection and attention. He did not discriminate between caregivers. To people who don't know any better, they find this behavior charming, and they praise his confidence and extravertedness. To a mommy & daddy that want to do thier very BEST for him, this behavior is not charming, it is alarming. He doesn't know we are his mommy and daddy yet, or what a family is supposed to be or do. It is mommy & daddy's job to do that for him. That is why we are kindly and firmly asking you to please direct him to his mommy & daddy if he reaches out for you to hold him or pick him up etc. We need your help in this way to reinforce the message that he needs to come to mommy & daddy for love, help, comfort, affection etc.

2) Give us space and time to be together just the three of us, and try not to have big expectations of him. Zachary usually performs well for a crowd-too well. But Jason and I see the meltdowns afterwords even after a visit from one or two people. He can easily become overly stimulated, anxious, and uncertain about noises, different people, language differences, etc. Keep in mind, we basically ripped Zachary from the only life and home he has ever known, and everything about his new life is foreign to him. I've learned that if you give him something, even if its just a shred of a piece of paper, if you take it away from him, he will have a meltdown. He has never owned anything of his very own in his life. He doesn't know if he will ever see that thing again. He doesn't know that there may be something better you plan to give him instead. Everything he has, he hangs onto, everything in his world he wants to control,. He is afraid that if he lets go, or lets someone else be in control, his world may fall apart again. To everyone else, it may look like he's being a bratty toddler. To us, we are learning to see the fear in his eyes, expression, and certain behaviors and understand why he is so desperate to hold on to things we'd consider junk. (There is a theological thought here somewhere!!!)

Zachary is showing signs that he is starting to bond with us. The photo above was taken several days ago. It looks so sweet and precious and like Zachary is already attached to us. However, what you can't see in this photo is that it took two weeks and several hours each night including that night for Zachary to lay down that closely to Jason. He will get close, then move away. You may also notice that there is a big fluffy dog still inbetween father and son as a barrier. You can see this when we hold him also- very often he will hold one of his arms between us to keep us at a distance. Other times, he will give full on hugs with arms around our necks. Its his pattern for getting comfortable with closeness and more intimacy. Thats how he is learning to trust us and bond to us.

Zachary is trying to soak up everything- including some of our language. I can see that he is understanding more and more every day. He already knows the words and sign for All Done (sounds like aaahhhhh Duhhh), nice, and dog. He also knows the sounds for dog, chicken & horse. He knows where his eyes are, and too look at mommy's eyes, and brush her hair. Zachary is getting used to and comfortable in his surroundings- his room, his toys, etc. He is also getting a little more comfortable surrendering some of his control over his surroundings, but we have a LONG WAY to go in seeing Zachary securely bonded and attached to us, and we to him. It may take a year or more before that happens. Its not something you can rush through (as much as I'd like it too!) It is a process that ebbs and flows over time- and requires much patience, consistency, love, understanding, comfort from his mommy & daddy.

You can help us best by your prayers on our behalf, and that of our son. We thank you for the prayers that helped us get to this point, and the prayers you continue to pray for our future. God bless you!