I get asked nearly every day now, sometimes multiple times- "How is Z doing?"
I'm never really sure how to answer this question because he APPEARS to be doing fairly well. He loves people, smiles most of the time, likes to explore and play, and seems comfortable with mommy & daddy. He's been going to grandma's or granny's house every day for daycare, and is appropriately coping with being dropped off and picked up, and enjoying his time there very much. Everyone says "He's such a happy little boy" and "He sure knows who his mommy is."
What you don't see is the challenge at home. To unsuspecting eyes, it may not even be recognizable- and could be passed off as normal little boy toddler behavior and general rambunctiousness. But there is a look I have come to recognize in Z's eyes that tells me he is in his fight mode, that he is trying hard to control everything, and that he is feeling insecure. Sometimes I think his aggressive behavior is just blowing off steam, and sometimes he is testing me- BIG TIME. This, I know, is related to his bonding and hopefully growing attachment to us.
Tonight for example, he came home from daycare and barely noticed me before he started tearing around the house, chasing the dog and basically attempting to hit everything within his reach. A few minutes into it, I decided it was time for a TIME IN (basically the same concept as a time out, but instead of being separated from us to cool off, I put him in the ergo baby carrier facing me, and try to help him regulate)
Tonight's Time-In was not pleasent for either one of us. It's not like this for us every single day yet, but Z was clearly in his fight/flight mode. His eyes have a look that I can't yet describe, something that looks empty, and yet angry at the same time- his face has no expression at all- its all in the eyes. Z wanted out of the carrier. I know part of it was that he didn't want to be confined. He wanted to play (chase the dog etc). The other part of it was, he didn't want to be so close to mom. After several minutes as I was washing some fresh beans and letting Z put his hands in the water, Z started clawing at my mouth, pulling at my lips, poking his finger into my mouth and scratching at my gums, hitting my face, and pulling my hair.
I've seen this aggression towards me, Jason and our dog several times over the last few weeks- basically since I started back to work, and more so in the last 5 days. It is very alarming. I never know quite how to handle it because 1) It HURTS! 2) It makes me SAD because it feels like rejection 3) I know he's not doing it to be mean but it sure seems that way 4) I don't want to let him think that its okay to hit 5) It makes me MAD because he also laughs when he does it as if he is getting some joy out of hurting us.
At first when he started hitting, I firmly told him no while I held his hands down at his sides so he couldn't do it again. As soon as I'd let go he'd hit again and start laughing. I know he's checking my face for the tiniest glimpse of a reaction, even if its negative. I can clearly see he's testing me. He also does this while throwing food, sippy cup, spoon whatever... That could be another blog post!
Tonight I tried another tactic. Tonight I tried my hardest not to give him any reaction at all when he was agressive toward me. (Hard to do because I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes hold on to a grudge a little too long when I've been hurt!) The aggression lasted a couple of minutes as I tried to go about my business preparing supper. It was followed by Z sucking his thumb and lightly touching the ends of my hair (what he does when he's trying to comfort, self soothe)
So how is Z doing? The short answer is "FINE" because thats the easiest thing to say without going into all the attachment stuff like I did here. The long answer is, its a process of one step forward, two steps back. You can see positive signs of attachment like he's wanting to feed us, and initiating hugs and kisses with us, coming to us for comfort or help. But then there are the negative signs that tell me he's still under stress/strain, like hitting, aggression, not wanting to be rocked or snuggled like a baby etc. Our work in attachment has barely begun, and that its time for a reality check on life and parenthood.
If anyone else out in blog land who have adopted before has been through the above scenario, I'd be happy to hear how you handled it!
Winter 2013-2014
12 years ago
4 comments:
Oh, Heather - I am so sorry your going through this difficult period. Nearly everything you wrote is happening in our house as well, so I can definitely empathize with you. I just sent you an email as well. Please don't hesitate to write or call me anytime you need support/encouragement.
Hugs,
Karyn
I know exactly what you mean about the aggressive hands all over the face. Eli did that a lot at first, and it has gotten much better. (We've been home 4 months now.) What worked for us was to say "easy, easy" or "gentle hands" in a soft voice as we moved his hands down. (We usually had to do that multiple times!) If he really persisted, we would trade, and the other parent would hold him. We learned that when he is going for the face, he is really stressed.
Another thing we did if he really persisted (especially if I was home alone with him) was to put him down on the floor for a minute. He would cry, but a very brief period of separation seemed to help stop the behavior. Eli often needs redirection. He still has trouble changing his behavior without outside help.
Something else that worked for us was to avoid making eye contact with him when he was doing that. Direct eye contact seemed to be too intense and stimulating for him when he was already stressed and/or overstimulated. Sometimes I could just turn my head and look the other way, and he would stop. We would try to remain as calm as we possibly could (which isn't always easy!)
The good news is that it has gotten much better. He doesn't do it nearly as often, and when he does, he's not very aggressive and stops pretty quickly. I try to give him as many hugs, kisses and snuggles as he will let me, which often is a split second at a time.
The attachment stuff is so challenging. Sorry this is such a long comment - hope it helps!
Hey, Heather,
The hour from 5:30 to 6:30 at our house is definitely The Witching Hour -- everyone is tired and the girls are very hungry. What has worked for us on the meltdown/hitting type behavior:
1. Let them have something to eat in their hands (crackers, etc.). This makes them less anxious about the when of dinner and allows them to feel like they have some control over their hunger.
2. Spend the first fifteen minutes or so at home playing on the floor with them. It took us a while to figure this out with Simone, but it really does seem to work for both girls. Sometimes it's a bit longer than fifteen minutes, but generally a quarter hour is enough. In this way, if they need to be held, they can initiate it on their terms (sitting on your knee while playing with blocks, or full hug -- whatever they say they want through words and actions). I was tending to just pick Simone up and going about my business, which gave her the holding but not the attention and feeling of control she needed. The few minutes of 100% attention helps both girls feel secure that I'm home to stay and that they can play peacefully while I and Antoine get dinner together.
3. On the hitting, which Claire did a lot when she first came home, we have tried to make gentle touching a game even when she's not being corrected. We take turns being the "Mama" while one of the girls or I play the baby, and we narrate the whole pretend interaction "Look the baby touches the Mama back -- how sweet. What a sweet baby." This has just recently started paying off, and Claire's hitting behaviors have really diminished. I am a bit tired of playing baby, though.
It sounds like you are doing everything right -- I would just suggest you keep trying little modifications until you hit upon what works best for you.
Take care, Lori
P.S. Time-ins are so not working as well now that Claire is around. When Simone sits on her little chair for her time-in, Claire insists on joining her and keeping her company. It's becoming more like a tea party than a time-in!
Heather,
In the last 5 months with Diego we have experienced the same issues related to hitting and aggression. I wish I could say that this has improved a lot, but sometimes it's hard to tell. In our case, at the beginning it seemed he only targeted me, but now it seems that he is targeting Mark more often. When he touches our faces kind of hard, we right away hold his hand and with a very soft voice we point and touch our eyes, nose, or whatever he was interested with a very soft touch... Sometimes works, but then other times we get the surprising biting and the huge smile after wards... It's tough... but I think making a huge deal about it (like getting really mad or scream) doesn't help at all... So, I think you guys are on the right track... You just have to load yourself with patience... Little by little things will get better!
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